World Youth Day ended today, I read about it on MSNBC and watched some video highlights on the WYD website. From everything I’ve heard and seen this years trip looked like a lot of fun! Everyone is always happy and praising God in such an amazingly powerful way, it was very inspiriting to see so many young people active and excited in church life, sometimes I feel like there is no one I can relate to in the church and that make the entire process of going to church and getting active in my faith difficult for me.

 

I think that allowing my pride to get in the way and not accepting Tarra’s offer to lend me the money I needed ($300) to put my deposit down to go on this trip was a huge mistake. Last year when I was coming into the church I felt this urge to go on a pilgrimage, I laid down some plans to go to Israel for a week or so and got ready to put money aside so I could go away and try to learn more about myself and this new found faith I had. During this time I found out about World Youth Day and I became amazingly excited about the entire thing! It was something that I really honestly felt would help me learn more about myself and help me understand these feelings that brought me into the church.

 

What prevented me from traveling on an amazing adventure to discover more about myself? A combination of things, on one hand I prevented myself form going, if I had kept a positive attitude and accepted help from my friends I would have been able to make my minimum deposits and repay them once I got the job at the theater and would have been able to go on the trip. On a slightly lesser hand I can blame my mother and my family; I asked my mom if I could borrow $300 to help cover the cost of the deposit for my trip. Since she was less than pleased about my conversion to Catholicism she told me that she wouldn’t help me go on “some church watching trip to Australia”. It was easily one of the cruelest things I think she’s ever said to me, I’m not used to being so bluntly disrespected and ridiculed by my family so for the first time ever when I was yelled at there was nothing I could say, it took a lot of effort for me to ask her for help and to even talk about the touchy subject of religion with my mother and to have her so coldly reject me hurt me to my core. What upset me wasn’t her unwillingness to lend me the money, it’s her money she has the right to do with it as she pleases, but it was her attitude towards it, and me that hurt the most.

 

I’m not upset anymore about the family trips to China, New Zealand and Australia that they took without me, I’m not upset at my mother or any of my friends. I can only look at my own failure and learn from my mistakes.

 

The next World Youth Day will be in 2011 and in Spain. I don’t know if I will be able to attend the next World Youth Day, I’m kind of planning on getting married and finishing up school by then and I don’t think I’ll have the time or money to embark on an adventure like this again. It was really a once in a lifetime event for me and  I blew it, all that I can do is move on and grow from my own failures.

A update is well over due

Tarra and I are doing great. I really should update everything thats been going on with us as of late.

I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and get help, tonight put things into perspective for me and I think I really need help. I don't really want to talk about it here but it's been a problem for years.

I now work at BSK Labs and the movie theaters, I love my the work I do at the Lab, and I still hate all of my customers at the theater.

This Friday I'll take my National registry Test for my EMT-Basic, once I become a EMT I'm planning on trying to get a job over at American Amublence so I can take the Paramedic course this next spring. It means taking almost 9 months off of school but I think it's worth it, I'll be 23 by then, I need a job that makes some money so I can pay my way though Fresno State.

On that note, I've given up, I'm no longer going to struggle to get a UC education, I'm just not that smart. I can afford a CSU education and I'm going to pay for my CSU education on my own, like everything else I've had to do in my life I'll work my way thought school and pay for it on my own. It might take longer but it will be the sweetest education that money can buy.

It’s been almost a month since I last posted here; I’ve been busy with work and life. At work I’ve been trained as a projectionist which means that for 2 or 3 shifts a week I don’t have to shovel popcorn. I also applied at BSK Laboratories as a lab technician, I baked them a cake when I dropped off my resume and surprise surprise I got an interview and a new part time job. I will be working in the organics department 2 days a week cleaning glassware and prepping water samples, BSK tests drinking water for most of the central valley. I have school this spring on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8am till 3pm, and Tuesday Thursday from 8am to 10am.

Tarra and I are doing great, over the past couple of months we’ve really grown a lot together, it’s scary sometimes because we’ll be thinking the same thing. I got her family gifts for Christmas, which they all seamed to enjoy.

I got fucked today by Wells Fargo, the computer said I had $200 to go shopping with, then after I spent $120 on gifts I had Negative $107.09, I was so mad and frustrated with the bank I called them up to complain and ask for my over draft fees back, they told me no. So I went into the bank branch and asked for my overdraft fees back or I was going to close my account, I showed them the computer print out showing my account as having money in it on the 24th then negative money on the 26th. The manager told me that it was my fault and that my print out meant nothing, so I closed my account of 15 years. Interesting side note 3 other people we’re there today closing their accounts as well, all 4 of us got fucked by Wells Fargo and were not happy about it, only more proof that I’m not crazy and that Wells Fargo is really just a horrible evil baby killing bank These changes are new at Wells Fargo, this happened to me in 2005 when their computers failed to update my spending, back then they refunded me without question, fast forward to 2007 and their policy has changed and as a result I no longer will bank with them.

I’m planning out my next 3 years of college, I’m looking to transfer to UC Berkley or UC Davis in a couple of years, once I find out what it is that I really want to do. I’m leaning towards Biology or Chemistry. I’ll see how well I do with the Bio and Chem classes at city. When I took Human Biology at city last semester I did really well, if I did the homework I would have gotten a B+. One thing I’m thinking about is how I might fare at a private school like University of San Francisco or something. I really want to go to a school where I can do undergrad research, that kind of thing really appeals to me. But also on the other hand I would like to go to a Catholic school, I think I would find a lot there. USF is one of the better schools in the country (Better then Fresno State or any other CSU school that’s for sure) but UC Berkley is the 6th best school in the country and as a native Californian I’m entitled to priority transfer and discount-tastic tuition. It’s something that’s a long ways away for me but I would like to have a vague idea where I’m going to I can plan myself accordingly.

Today my truck started making funny noises when it was idling so my dad and I took it into the shop. So for now I drive my shitty Achiva.

I went into work today and saw Across the universe, it was pretty good. It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen but it wasn't bad. I did enjoy many of the songs.

I waited up all night to register for classes and now I have a hold on my account for a 75 cent library fine. I hate city college so much right now. My mom and I had a talk tonight about my college plans, she didn't like my new found logic. I'm predestined to attend Fresno State theres no fighting it no matter how much I dream of leaving Fresno again I know that if I were to do it that my family would some how fail me again and I would just end up poorer and one more year behind. Anyway I discovered that all I really need to transfer is get a C I don't really have to try to get a good grade in class I just have to try to get an average grade. This didn't settle well with my mom or my dad, they know I could get A's and B's if I wanted and I know I could get A's and B's if I wanted, it's just that city college is so boring that I want to cry. I have taken a liking to the short term classes that are offered, I like to just get everything over and done with in 9 weeks versus 18 weeks.

I'm regretting letting my pride stand in my way, I miss Jessica, Josh and Mo very much. I kind of wish I had taken Jessica up on her offer to pay for me to come down to LA for a few days. Prides a bitch sometimes I have to start humbling myself.

My birthday is coming up, I've always had a hard time with my birthday and accepting gifts or having celebrations. I don't know where this stems from but it's a real problem. Tarra wanted to do something fun for my birthday like go up to San Francisco for the day or weekend. But I turned that down I can't bring myself to accept a gift like that. Then she asked if I was going to go out for a birthday dinner and I couldn't think of anyone that would really want to come to my birthday dinner. I know it sounds kind of mean and rude to all of my friends but it's true I mean I think people would have better things to do on a Saturday night then pay for my dinner, I just don't want to intrude on other peoples lifes. And there lies the problem I would have LOVED to go up north with Tarra for the weekend or have a get together with all my friends but I don't and I won't.

Today I took a small boatload of cans to the recycling guy behind the peacock market and left with almost $50. That money will be helpful for my last little trip for a while, I’m going down to Santa Barbara to see some of my friends graduate from Brooks.

This afternoon as I was gathering up my family’s supply of recyclable metals when around 3pm or so I got a call from work, they wanted to know if I would be able to come into work tonight from 5pm till 1am. I was thrilled because that would have meant $60 extra on this next paycheck so I enthusiastically said yes. About 15 minutes later Tarra called and asked if I wanted to eat dinner with her family tonight and in a near panic I had to call work back and tell them that I wouldn’t be able to come in to work because of a commitment that I had forgotten about, luckily they let me off the hook and so the great adventure of dinner with Tarras family began. I ran out to the store to get frosting for the cake and my little sister started baking a tasty cake for me to bring to the dinner, I also picked up one of my favorite bottles of wine to bring along as well. Having dinner with Tarras Grandaunt, Mother, and older sister was really important to me. I’m really starting to look at my relationship with Tarra as something that’s going to be more long term with more and more commitment required of me, things like having dinner with her family are be coming more important to me because they represent small steps of commitment in my relationship with Tarra. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only man alive that gets excited by the idea of a long-term stable loving relationship. All feelings and symbolism aside, the dinner was fun and the tacos were quite tasty. I think not next week but the week after I should cook dinner for Tarra’s family, I can make a mean roast or some tasty ribs

Last night I was talking to Tarra about my constant snacking on this pineapple my mother had bought earlier in the week, during the conversation she mentioned that she wanted some pineapple. So me being the sneaky man that I am I decided to bring her some. I got in my car and drove very quitely to her house while talking to her on the phone and surprised her at 1am with pineapple.

This Friday is my first day of work so I have to go out and buy a uniform on Thursday. I just need some black pants, a black belt, a black tie, and a white dress shirt.

I'm starting to think more and more about perusing a career in medicine. It's now time to focus on school a little more and look to see if this is something that intrests me, if I decided to go into medicine then I need to start planning soon.

This week I've run into a few acquaintances from high school one of them (whoms name I've forgotten) works at the vet office where we take our cats. And the other day Nicki Clawson pulled up next to me at a red light as I was stuffing my face with a burrito. It's funny how much we remember people from our past I have vivid memory's with these people going back as far as Dry Creek.

In my EMT class today we learned all about emergency childbirth, I am so thankful that God had me male because there is nothing pleasant about childbirth

After my EMT class I went over to Tarra's for a bit, I'm slowly talking to her family more and more which I'm enjoying, my general fear of her mother murdering me or worse disliking me is slowly subsiding. Also Tarra's sister has offered to help me with my math homework which I greatly appreciated, with Tarra the math wiz being to busy with school, church, clubs, and her career and what have you, it's nice to have someone else who's life is a little less hectic be able to help me math it up.

My new hobby is playing the fantasy stock exchange on facebook, so far I've made some good investments. What I did was I researched stocks that last week had traded for 5 days under there 200 day average, statistically those stocks should rise up for the next 3 days. Needless to say I've profited greatly in fake money.

I hate math, I just spent over an hour and a half trying to work out out 18 problems. This semester I'm enrolled in an online math class, I go to my math class everyday for 90 minutes and then do my homework online. In order to "complete" my homework I have to pass 18 questions, as I go about my homework the problems get harder and harder, for everyone two questions you get right you get to move up a level of difficulty but if you get one wrong you get knocked down a level, so if your half way done with your homework and you miss 3 questions you go from level 9 down to level 6, so you have to answers about 6 to 7 new questions just to get back to your old level. Tonight in order for me to pass my 18 questions I went though over 125 questions, getting them wrong over and over again. In this class late work equals no credit, since I was in a time crunch I had to bust out a calculator and try to speed though it, which failed. It got to the point today where I started yelling at my computer and braking things. Math is hard, violently difficult for me. When I have to use math in a practical environment that math is super super easy for me because it had a tangible setting, but theoretical math and doing problems that have to purpose other then to train you to do high math problems that are "empty" just to train you to do more and more worthless "empty" math. I want to learn something that has practical value not how to multiply by monomials by getting to move x around and multiply things by a negative number. Math is a physicaly painful process for me, my head, neck and back hurt when I have to do math like this, I get angery and stressed and then that adds to the real pain of math only making me a very unhappy Kyle. I only have 3 more years of math to look forward to, if this whole math thing doesn't pay off I swear I'm going to punch a baby.

I have a quasi job interview tomorrow at the movie theater, if I can't get a job at a movie theater I am going to boycott the movies for 6 months.

Every weekday I go to my pre-algebra class at 7:30am. Everyday I make the 17.7 mile drive of shame to the Fresno City College campus to submit myself to an hour of “math”, everyday I have to drive damn near 20 miles to be told that I’m stupid and instructed how to perform basic math. Of all my classes this is my hardest and takes the most discipline for me to complete, there are days that I don’t want to wake up and I have to force myself up out of bed and into my car, there are days that I sit and contemplate my utter disgust for this class, this school, my own stupidity. The only reason I’m still going to that class is that I see it as the gateway to two things, Fatherhood and Chemistry. I want a family and I want to study the world more my own disgust and anger at math and myself. I know that I can’t really contemplate starting a family unless I have a job that could support said family, in order to get a job that can support a family I need a degree, not some pansy degree in like Art, History, or English I need a “real” degree in something that I hate, like one of the hard sciences. I need to pass chemistry in order to get into microbiology and I need microbiology in order to apply for the nursing program. Nursing is the lowest degree I’m willing to obtain.

I called up Tarra last Wednesday to quasi complain about math and how hard its been for me. After about 10 minutes she just told me to suck it up and just do it; I was a little bit taken aback, here I was on the brink of tears from the sheer frustration of my own inadequatecies and I was just told to suck it up. I guess I should just suck it up and do it no matter how many visits to the tutorial center it takes.

At the end of the month I’m going down to Santa Barbara to see Simon and Mallory graduate, I’ve been saving up money so I can afford to get down there one of the most efficient ways to save money I’ve found is to not go out on the weekend. Instead of hanging out with the catholic young adults group or going out with Tarra I’ve found that I can squirrel away money if I just stay at home and make excuses for not going out. It’s weird to look back on everything now and see that a year has past by since I left Oxnard and came back to Fresno. I still hate Fresno with a burning passion, there’s nothing worth doing here and everyday I live here I find something new and astonishing for me to hate.

Sometimes I lie to myself and tell myself that I can go away for school like to LA or the Bay Area or maybe even back east. But then I remember what it was like at Brooks and how hard it was to get money out of my family for school and school supplies, I look at my credit card debt from my 16mm movie, and then I remind myself of the cost. I wasted my entire college fund on 2/3 of a film education and now I’m left with nothing. I have come to the realization that I will have to take out college loans, well at least I’m going to try to take out college loans I get a strange feeling that my father will be apposed to the idea of taking out loans he doesn’t like paying for anything including my education and with my family’s amazing credit history I really don’t think that any bank would give us a loan for my education, then if I did get a loan I have this sneaky feeling that we wouldn’t be able to get a government loan and we would have to get a private loan and that’s going to be expensive with interest rates around 11-13% a college education is slowly becoming something that I don’t think I’ll be able to afford. And when I look at that I really have to ask myself, is this worth it? Is all this work at City College going to be worth anything more then an AA/AS degree? If not why should I even stay in school and struggle for 3 years to get though it all for nothing? Sometime this week I’m going to try and sit both my parents down and ask them about my college funding, I did this before when I went off to Brooks and I was blaintantly lied to so I’m going to have to be very upfront with them this time, I don’t want to be getting ready to transfer out of Fresno City and be told that I have no money.

Today I got to thinking about all the work I did in LA, back when I shot stuff for NASCAR and worked on photo sets. I was good at what I did back then I kind of wonder sometimes what I could have done if I had stayed in LA and not moved back to Fresno, it's to bad that I need health insurance if I could have kept my health insurance and found a way to make some money I would have taken Jessica and Josh's offer to let me live rent free for a while in there apartment and start community college in Santa Monica instead of Fresno.

It was about this time last year that I had sort of accepted the fact that I was done with Brooks and that I was coming home, it was just a matter of time till I found out if I was going to move back home or go to LA. It's all so weird now looking back at it, seeing who I was, what I was doing, and where I was going. I remember when I first came back my only goal was to get out of Fresno, now it looks more like I'm going to be staying here, I've slowly accepted that I won't be going away for college again and that Fresno state isn't all that bad. Funny for years I told myself that I would get out of here and go to a civilized part of the world, only to end up stuck back here admitting defeat.

I emailed the planners at church for World Youth Day and told them that I wouldn't be able to go on the pilgrimage to Australia . I just can't afford it, $2200 is just to much money for me I would have to take 2 weeks off from my summer job as well and I just can't do that. I need to focus on repaying my credit card after the pay checks start rolling in I'm making it one of my top priority's,

I have  a bad habit of just running off on adventures and not thinking of the financial costs that the trips would have. In the last 3 years I've gone to Salt Lake City to go to the sundance film festival, I've gone to England with my friends, I went to Death Valley because it was there, I went to see my friends and visit the mission in Ventura, Went on a photo adventure at Lake Isabella with Jeremie, I traveled to Rhode Island to see my friend consecrate her live to God, I went to San Diego for a church trip and I've gone to San Francisco twice! All of this costs money, money that I just don't have so I think it's for the best that I don't go to Australia this summer, from what my family told me from when they went it's amazing, expensive, but amazing. Traveling is something that rich people can afford to do and I am far from rich, like many things I would like to do I'm just pushing this one into the back of my mind and pretending that it's not nearly as intresting as it really is.