I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with Tarra and how unfair it’s become. Tarra is just finishing college and I have the privilege of restarting college, so as she goes though all her end of college activities I look at that kind of stuff with much resentment. This next week a school group Tarra belongs to is having a banquette where they invite engineering firms from around town to have dinner with the students. At this dinner the society gives the members of the group rings and they all take a oath thing a ma bob swearing to use there mighty engineering powers for good and not evil. I feel bad because I can’t attend I have my EMT class. This Saturday her family invited me to the Parents associations’ football game, but I have to work and can’t go. I just marvel at how unfair this situation is to her, theses are the last days of her college life and I’m to busy starting college to be of any help or support. I wonder how silly this will be when I’m 25 and graduating from school and I’m with all these 21 and 22 year olds, I guess awkward would be the best way to describe it. Everyday when I wake up I sit there for about a minute and just get my anger out for the day then I quietly wish that I never had gone off to Brooks and regret that I went with my gut feeling, I knew I didn’t have the money to go, I knew the second after we took my first tour with my dad and I saw the tuition amount, and I knew that we would never take out loans to help me finish school once all the money ran out. But I pressed forward with the blessing of my parents and what did it get me? This, the privilege of ruining my college years, I sure feel lucky.
Tarra kind of inspires me from time to time, like how active she is at school. Every morning at 7:00am I look around me with this boiling hatred for everyone at city. I look at them like there filthy and I in turn feel discussed every moment I spend there, I think it’s partly the stigma attached to City College that I can’t shake. That some how I’ve failed at life, and to make it worse I’m failing in Fresno. Well I’ve decided that I’m going to try to become some what active in my schools activities, I refuse to support athletics because I have yet to see a need for it, anyone that needs structured time to play a stupid game with a ball should be sterilized for they truly are a drain on society. That and they get to register before me at school and that alone angers me. I think I’m going to join some sort of club or possibly student government. I might even try to go to city this week and not be an angry vile man, I make no promises because to be honest I hate city college, I hate Fresno, and to make it worse I hate the fact that I’ve settled for Fresno as the best I’ll ever get.
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