Sunday, 20 July 2008
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This I should have done
World Youth Day ended today, I read about it on MSNBC and watched some video highlights on the WYD website. From everything I’ve heard and seen this years trip looked like a lot of fun! Everyone is always happy and praising God in such an amazingly powerful way, it was very inspiriting to see so many young people active and excited in church life, sometimes I feel like there is no one I can relate to in the church and that make the entire process of going to church and getting active in my faith difficult for me.
I think that allowing my pride to get in the way and not accepting Tarra’s offer to lend me the money I needed ($300) to put my deposit down to go on this trip was a huge mistake. Last year when I was coming into the church I felt this urge to go on a pilgrimage, I laid down some plans to go to Israel for a week or so and got ready to put money aside so I could go away and try to learn more about myself and this new found faith I had. During this time I found out about World Youth Day and I became amazingly excited about the entire thing! It was something that I really honestly felt would help me learn more about myself and help me understand these feelings that brought me into the church.
What prevented me from traveling on an amazing adventure to discover more about myself? A combination of things, on one hand I prevented myself form going, if I had kept a positive attitude and accepted help from my friends I would have been able to make my minimum deposits and repay them once I got the job at the theater and would have been able to go on the trip. On a slightly lesser hand I can blame my mother and my family; I asked my mom if I could borrow $300 to help cover the cost of the deposit for my trip. Since she was less than pleased about my conversion to Catholicism she told me that she wouldn’t help me go on “some church watching trip to Australia”. It was easily one of the cruelest things I think she’s ever said to me, I’m not used to being so bluntly disrespected and ridiculed by my family so for the first time ever when I was yelled at there was nothing I could say, it took a lot of effort for me to ask her for help and to even talk about the touchy subject of religion with my mother and to have her so coldly reject me hurt me to my core. What upset me wasn’t her unwillingness to lend me the money, it’s her money she has the right to do with it as she pleases, but it was her attitude towards it, and me that hurt the most.
I’m not upset anymore about the family trips to China, New Zealand and Australia that they took without me, I’m not upset at my mother or any of my friends. I can only look at my own failure and learn from my mistakes.
The next World Youth Day will be in 2011 and in Spain. I don’t know if I will be able to attend the next World Youth Day, I’m kind of planning on getting married and finishing up school by then and I don’t think I’ll have the time or money to embark on an adventure like this again. It was really a once in a lifetime event for me and I blew it, all that I can do is move on and grow from my own failures.
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Comments (4)
oh schnapp someone remembered they had a blog to maintain
Hey Kyle, remember me, we used to discuss Linux. I dropped out for a few years and now I am back.
When did you convert to being a Catholic and that is terrific. Ever hear of or read Scott or Kimberly Hahn? I thought of them when you mentioned your Mom's adverse reaction to your decision to convert. The Hahn's converted from being Presbyterians and they had a ton of negativity thrown at them from family and sadly former friends.
I have my past regrets like not going to see Pope John Paul II when he visited Iowa when I was in High School and we had the day off to go see him - I being an idiot had no idea what I was missing. I'm a revert but technically the fluff I was taught in the 70s was not Catholicism. When I started learning what we really believe, I was a bit ticked and still am. The fluff is still very out there, alive and well! There are a lot of people about my age who don't know the faith and don't know they don't know.
Talk to you soon.
Paul
how long is the trip? 2011 isn't too far away. if it's not too long, you may be able to go, and spain would definitely be cheaper than australia. you really shouldn't blame yourself or attribute anything to "failure". i've known you for a few years and i know you work really hard at whatever you do. you wanted your mom and family to approve of your life choices, and they should - they're family, and you're your own person. they should be happy that you're happy with your decision to be catholic. if you want something, go for it! don't let people get in the way or let their actions cause you any emotional pain that's bad enough to make you reconsider something you've wanted for so long. what your mom did wasn't fair to you at all. accept money from people if they want to help. they wouldn't offer if they weren't serious. you know yourself. you know you would pay them back, and they know it. i don't think any of this is personal failure, it's, like you said, a combination of things that happened that influenced you and then it got too late to really do anything. you can still go to spain, just save up money and don't be afraid to borrow if someone offers! going after you graduate is the perfect time before you really really settle down and get a full-time job or start grad school or whatever it is that you want to do because you still have some degree of freedom with your life. once you start something else, you won't have time. good to see you back on xanga pal.
It'll all work out, buddy! You're not a failure. You're not failing. You'll get your chance to do the things you want to do. I pray you'll achieve goals like these in due time.