kornstar's Xanga

20 Units of College 36 Hours of Work and the return of the FAFSA and Future Student Loans

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 01:39:44 GMT

It's been far too long since my last post so I'm going to just start from this point in my life now.

In my attempt to get all 60 units of transferable credit worked up in time for me to go to UC Davis I've had to kick up my education into high gear and have enrolled in 20 units this term. Plus at work since I'm always in need of money I've taken over 30 hours of work a week now just to make sure that I might have some spending cash on the side.

My luck though has always come though for me, the second that I started earning more then $250 dollars a month at my job everyone found new and exciting reasons to take all of my money from me. My father took my truck to get fixed with out telling me or asking me and now I owe him $1100, my parents also have decided that they're not going to pay for my books anymore so that adds a wonderful $500+ dollars a term that I can kiss good buy, some how I now owe a collection agency $250 for a AutoCAD class I took but was kicked out of when my patents check bounced.

It feels like I'll never get ahead financially, for every step forward I take I can just expect two more back. I've really wanted to save up money for when I go to Davis in 2010 that I might have a little spending money and I also have wanted to save money so I can go off for a quarter and study in Washington DC as part of the University of California's quarter in DC program, ever since reading about it I've really really really wanted to go and intern in DC but it costs $3000 plus tuition and I'd have to buy real office clothing so it's going to look expensive. I also have been trying to save money so I can start thinking about buying an engagement ring and the likes.

I've come to the conclusion that none of this is going to happen, no matter what I do I am always going to be dirt poor, there will always be someone there to take what little money I save up. The universe refuses to make this whole process easy for me.

This February I get to try to get my family to sign and properly fill out a FAFSA for the first time, ever since I started college back in 2004 I've tried my hardest to get my family to fill out a FAFSA, but they always have an excuse, they change their excuse every year you see one year I was told that the FAFSA was a scam, the other year I was told that the government didn't really need my parents info if I was the one getting the money, sometimes they just tell me no and don't even give an answer. This is all really just a giant precursor to my future student loans, I can see how this is going to work out now. I'm going to get accepted to Davis, I might even get some kind of scholarship but my family will refuse to help me take out loans, I believe that they will cite something crazy like they don't have the credit or that they don't feel the need to take out a loan because I can just work up the money for school on my own (They have told me this before about art school apparently if I work really really hard I could have made the $45,000 I needed to finish my degree, but it was my own lack of motivation that prevented me from finishing art school). Discourageing as it may sound it's the ugly truth, I'm hoping that once I get my 60 units I might get some kind of miracle and money will rain from the sky, but knowing my luck this is how it will progress. I will get accepted but I won't have the money until I'm 25 when I'm no longer a dependent to them and then I can apply for loans on my own and get federal aid on my own. My family's unwillingness to help me though school will most likely delay my entrance into "real" school by another year, the same time other people my age are finishing grad school I will finely be entering my last couple of years of my undergraduate education.

This I should have done

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 06:37:56 GMT

World Youth Day ended today, I read about it on MSNBC and watched some video highlights on the WYD website. From everything I’ve heard and seen this years trip looked like a lot of fun! Everyone is always happy and praising God in such an amazingly powerful way, it was very inspiriting to see so many young people active and excited in church life, sometimes I feel like there is no one I can relate to in the church and that make the entire process of going to church and getting active in my faith difficult for me.

I think that allowing my pride to get in the way and not accepting Tarra’s offer to lend me the money I needed ($300) to put my deposit down to go on this trip was a huge mistake. Last year when I was coming into the church I felt this urge to go on a pilgrimage, I laid down some plans to go to Israel for a week or so and got ready to put money aside so I could go away and try to learn more about myself and this new found faith I had. During this time I found out about World Youth Day and I became amazingly excited about the entire thing! It was something that I really honestly felt would help me learn more about myself and help me understand these feelings that brought me into the church.

What prevented me from traveling on an amazing adventure to discover more about myself? A combination of things, on one hand I prevented myself form going, if I had kept a positive attitude and accepted help from my friends I would have been able to make my minimum deposits and repay them once I got the job at the theater and would have been able to go on the trip. On a slightly lesser hand I can blame my mother and my family; I asked my mom if I could borrow $300 to help cover the cost of the deposit for my trip. Since she was less than pleased about my conversion to Catholicism she told me that she wouldn’t help me go on “some church watching trip to Australia”. It was easily one of the cruelest things I think she’s ever said to me, I’m not used to being so bluntly disrespected and ridiculed by my family so for the first time ever when I was yelled at there was nothing I could say, it took a lot of effort for me to ask her for help and to even talk about the touchy subject of religion with my mother and to have her so coldly reject me hurt me to my core. What upset me wasn’t her unwillingness to lend me the money, it’s her money she has the right to do with it as she pleases, but it was her attitude towards it, and me that hurt the most.

I’m not upset anymore about the family trips to China, New Zealand and Australia that they took without me, I’m not upset at my mother or any of my friends. I can only look at my own failure and learn from my mistakes.

The next World Youth Day will be in 2011 and in Spain. I don’t know if I will be able to attend the next World Youth Day, I’m kind of planning on getting married and finishing up school by then and I don’t think I’ll have the time or money to embark on an adventure like this again. It was really a once in a lifetime event for me and I blew it, all that I can do is move on and grow from my own failures.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:31:59 GMT

This was done for an SFZero task you can learn more about my SFZero doings at http://sf0.org/kylehamilton/

Design and produce a blank drink, there are a lot of different drinks I could make but seeing how I haven't slept in almost 48 hours for this task I will be making "The Kyle Hamilton Pharmaceutical Sleepy Time Pineapple Orange Flavored Drink"Since this drink will have a heavy chemical component I will attempt to explain what I'm doing and adding to the best of my ability.First as with all Kyle Hamilton Tasks my Materials List

One Centrum (thats Latinfor center!) Multivitamin/Multimineral Supplement
One Citracal Calcium Citrate Supplement
75mg (3 pills) of Diphenhydramine (Benadryl)
3mg (1 pill) of Eszopiclone (Prescription Lunesta)
3mg (1 pill) of Melatonin8 oz of Dole Pineapple Orange Juice

First my logical progression Calcium (most notably Ca²⁺) is used by your nervous system to transmit information, if I take some calcium with some magnesium in theory it should help relax my muscles by calming my nervous system. Hence the vitamins and minerals will in turn act as a low grade muscle relaxer.

Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) is an amazing antihistamines, it's related to Prozac in that its a mild SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) in short, long term use of Benadryl can make you slightly happyer. But the effect I'm looking for isn't in it's ability to make me feel good about myself I'm intrsted in it's anticholinergic property (aka I'm taking this stuff to knock me out, gee isn't medicine fun!). Now the regular reccomaned dose of Benadryl for use as a sleep aid is about 50mg, but I'm playing it safe the safe dose is 100mg so I settled for 75mg

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Ahh the Lunesta, I don't really know much about Lunesta, I am prescribed a 3mg dose of Lunesta by my doctor so I can sleep when I have episodes of insomnia.....much like right now. All I really know is that Lunesta works, and if I start sleep walking or something I need to stop taking it

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Melatonin, is basically the hormone that lets you fall asleep. Melatonin is chalk full of awesome sauce because it's the fundamental hormone that is going to allow me to fall asleep, since just about every living thing know to exist has some form of Melatonin in it the kind I got is made from plants.

Now on to the making of the drink

First I took all the pills and put them in a plastic bag

Then I smashed them real good

Added the Juice to the bag as to not loose any of the drugs

poured into a cup, and enjoyed.

Update March 15th 2008 5:00pm

Ok so I did wake up, I asked my family if anything had happened during my 12 hour knock out.At around 9:00am my mother asked me if I wanted cinnamon rolls, she even opened the door and tried to talk to me but it was all in vain, I was dead asleepAt around 2:00pm my little sister tried to wake me up to show me a package I had received, once again I only vaguely remember being woken up and then going back to sleep.I had a dreamless sleep last night, normally I have some sort of dream action even if I can't remember what the dream was I kind of remember waking up at night and thinking "Who what a strange dream". But last night there was nothing, the only thing of interest is that I woke up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in as a result my right side is REALLY sore and my right hand is still a bit tinkly Waking up was kind of hard, my body didn't want to move at all, but since I had to pee really really bad I forced myself to get out and pee, on my return to bed I turned on my computer and ate an hours old cinnamon roll, the food was nice I was really really hungry which I found ironic seeing that I didn't do anything for 12 hours..

Update March 15th 2008 7:45pm After I posted my last update I talked to my girlfriend, I'm going to a party, so I slept for another 2 hours. She wasn't happy that I messed with a bunch of drugs something about it possibly not being safe. After my 2 hour "nap" she picked me up and we went to the party, before I went I took a caffeine pill (200mg) so I was a little buzzed with caffeine and at the same time a little tired from the sleep. I thought that my drinking tonight would make me super duper sleepy but once I was there it was like any other Friday morning....only it was Saturday night

Update March 16th 2008 8:45am I'm still awake, by my math this should now be my afternoon. Which basically means that I spent my "morning" drinking and partying and now in my afternoon I'm goofing off on SFZero. I should crash any hour now, just in time to miss the podcast and I should wake up just in time to see my girlfriend drag me off to church. I feel as if my entire Saturday was wasted because it feels like Saturday Afternoon...only it's Sunday Morning. This whole not being one bit tired thing is kind of odd to me I would have thought that I would be a little bit tired right now but I'm not I'm 100% ready to rock and roll. Also the coming down off my buzz thing was weird to me as well. I've always been asleep as my buzz/drunkenness falls off but in all honesty this is an eye opening experince for me 2am I'm buzzed and loving it, now at 8:00am I'm cold and want a shower.

Long Time No Post

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:06:05 GMT

A update is well over due

Tarra and I are doing great. I really should update everything thats been going on with us as of late.

I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and get help, tonight put things into perspective for me and I think I really need help. I don't really want to talk about it here but it's been a problem for years.

I now work at BSK Labs and the movie theaters, I love my the work I do at the Lab, and I still hate all of my customers at the theater.

This Friday I'll take my National registry Test for my EMT-Basic, once I become a EMT I'm planning on trying to get a job over at American Amublence so I can take the Paramedic course this next spring. It means taking almost 9 months off of school but I think it's worth it, I'll be 23 by then, I need a job that makes some money so I can pay my way though Fresno State.

On that note, I've given up, I'm no longer going to struggle to get a UC education, I'm just not that smart. I can afford a CSU education and I'm going to pay for my CSU education on my own, like everything else I've had to do in my life I'll work my way thought school and pay for it on my own. It might take longer but it will be the sweetest education that money can buy.

Weight Gain – Movies with Family – Night at home with Tarra

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:53:18 GMT

This year I’ve been working on losing weight, it’s become a personal goal of mine to get down to 210 pounds, and into a health BMI range. Well before Thanksgiving and before I started working up in projection I weighed 230/235 pounds, I was the lightest I’ve been since early high school. Then projection happened, all I do when I work up in projection is walk for almost 8 hours straight. I walk around treading and starting movies, sometimes I’ll even sneak downstairs to get some Diet Pepsi and haul myself back up to get back to work. As a result I’ve gained 10 pounds this holiday session as of tonight I weigh 240 pounds. At first I was near insulted that I had in my Christmas gluttony gained 10 pounds, then I felt my leg and calf…and then it hit me my legs were super toned and hard. Holy crap I just gained 7 pounds of leg muscle, this explains everything, why my legs hurt all the time, and why I have a near unlimited source of endurance at work. Also I’ve been doing sit ups and push ups in an attempt to form my upper body a bit for this summer, that too has added some weight, because I now can sort of feel arm muscle popping up. Needless to say I’m super confused with all of this, it was only a few months ago that I changed over from a 40 inch waist to a 38 inch waist, now as of a few weeks ago I’m down to a 36 inch waist. In one year I’ve lost 4 inches off my waistline

I took my mom and little sister Lauren to the movies today to see National Treasure 2, we went to Chipotle for lunch which was nice both my mom and sister had never been to Chipotle so it was an experience for all of us.

Tarra and one of her friends were going to a concert tonight up at Table Mountain but once they got there it was canceled, so she came home. I came over with Love Actually, Pizza and Beer. It was nice to just have quite Tarra time; I know that this next semester is going to be really busy for us. I have school and 2 jobs, and Tarra is getting ready to graduate so needless to say were both going to be seeing a lot less of each other

It’s been a long time

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 09:41:52 GMT

It’s been almost a month since I last posted here; I’ve been busy with work and life. At work I’ve been trained as a projectionist which means that for 2 or 3 shifts a week I don’t have to shovel popcorn. I also applied at BSK Laboratories as a lab technician, I baked them a cake when I dropped off my resume and surprise surprise I got an interview and a new part time job. I will be working in the organics department 2 days a week cleaning glassware and prepping water samples, BSK tests drinking water for most of the central valley. I have school this spring on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8am till 3pm, and Tuesday Thursday from 8am to 10am.

Tarra and I are doing great, over the past couple of months we’ve really grown a lot together, it’s scary sometimes because we’ll be thinking the same thing. I got her family gifts for Christmas, which they all seamed to enjoy.

I got fucked today by Wells Fargo, the computer said I had $200 to go shopping with, then after I spent $120 on gifts I had Negative $107.09, I was so mad and frustrated with the bank I called them up to complain and ask for my over draft fees back, they told me no. So I went into the bank branch and asked for my overdraft fees back or I was going to close my account, I showed them the computer print out showing my account as having money in it on the 24th then negative money on the 26th. The manager told me that it was my fault and that my print out meant nothing, so I closed my account of 15 years. Interesting side note 3 other people we’re there today closing their accounts as well, all 4 of us got fucked by Wells Fargo and were not happy about it, only more proof that I’m not crazy and that Wells Fargo is really just a horrible evil baby killing bank These changes are new at Wells Fargo, this happened to me in 2005 when their computers failed to update my spending, back then they refunded me without question, fast forward to 2007 and their policy has changed and as a result I no longer will bank with them.

I’m planning out my next 3 years of college, I’m looking to transfer to UC Berkley or UC Davis in a couple of years, once I find out what it is that I really want to do. I’m leaning towards Biology or Chemistry. I’ll see how well I do with the Bio and Chem classes at city. When I took Human Biology at city last semester I did really well, if I did the homework I would have gotten a B+. One thing I’m thinking about is how I might fare at a private school like University of San Francisco or something. I really want to go to a school where I can do undergrad research, that kind of thing really appeals to me. But also on the other hand I would like to go to a Catholic school, I think I would find a lot there. USF is one of the better schools in the country (Better then Fresno State or any other CSU school that’s for sure) but UC Berkley is the 6th best school in the country and as a native Californian I’m entitled to priority transfer and discount-tastic tuition. It’s something that’s a long ways away for me but I would like to have a vague idea where I’m going to I can plan myself accordingly.

Busy

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 08:49:16 GMT

I've been busy this month so busy I've forgotten to blog about most of it.

I had easily one of the best birthdays ever. Tarra, Richy, Lizette, Steven, Amber and I all went out to Red Robin for dinner and Tarra got me a cake with "I am Nutritious" written in icing on top. Then on Sunday Tarra and I had dinner with my family, dinner was great my family and Tarra work well together. My mom made my favorite cake and cake was in fact eaten by all. I'm really glad that my family likes Tarra, I find it odd how well she fits in with my family. Tarra reminds me a lot of my little sister Lauren they're both very compassionate and empathetic people.

Tarra and I went out last Saturday on a "real" date, it could very possably be the first real date we've ever gone on in nearly 6 months. We started off by going to Balana's in Fig Garden, then we went to Wassabi on Herndon and First, then we went and saw a movie at the theater, and finely we drove out to no where in particular and spent a few moments in the country looking at stars. All in all it was a very good date

At work I got quasi promoted to projectionist, I don't know if there is a pay increase but I do know that the job involves less popcorn and that alone makes me happy.

Tarra invited me to go with her family to Monterey for new years, I try to avoid her families activities. I feel like I would be a bother or burden so I try to stay mute and out of the way. I know that my role as "boy friend" makes me rather expendable to the point that if her family and I were kidnapped by pirates and one of us were about to be forced to walk the plank to a pack of wild man eating sharks it would be fully expected and socially acceptable to push me into the dark waters below first in an effort to tame the beasts hunger.

I feel bad about the whole new years thing for a couple of reasons. First the trip is going to cost me at least $100, now thats not that much money but I have a lot of debt and should really be saving my money. Second I have this funny feeling that I'm going to be working two shifts at work, one for new years eve and the other one on new years day, all in all thats about $125 of lost income right there. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

My EMT class is almost over, I have to do my ambulance ride along this week and write a paper about it. I'm looking forward to my spring semester at city, I'm taking English 125, Math 101, Spanish 1, and Philosophy 1

Truck in the shop - Across the Universe - City - Birthdays and Kyle

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 07:41:28 GMT

Today my truck started making funny noises when it was idling so my dad and I took it into the shop. So for now I drive my shitty Achiva.

I went into work today and saw Across the universe, it was pretty good. It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen but it wasn't bad. I did enjoy many of the songs.

I waited up all night to register for classes and now I have a hold on my account for a 75 cent library fine. I hate city college so much right now. My mom and I had a talk tonight about my college plans, she didn't like my new found logic. I'm predestined to attend Fresno State theres no fighting it no matter how much I dream of leaving Fresno again I know that if I were to do it that my family would some how fail me again and I would just end up poorer and one more year behind. Anyway I discovered that all I really need to transfer is get a C I don't really have to try to get a good grade in class I just have to try to get an average grade. This didn't settle well with my mom or my dad, they know I could get A's and B's if I wanted and I know I could get A's and B's if I wanted, it's just that city college is so boring that I want to cry. I have taken a liking to the short term classes that are offered, I like to just get everything over and done with in 9 weeks versus 18 weeks.

I'm regretting letting my pride stand in my way, I miss Jessica, Josh and Mo very much. I kind of wish I had taken Jessica up on her offer to pay for me to come down to LA for a few days. Prides a bitch sometimes I have to start humbling myself.

My birthday is coming up, I've always had a hard time with my birthday and accepting gifts or having celebrations. I don't know where this stems from but it's a real problem. Tarra wanted to do something fun for my birthday like go up to San Francisco for the day or weekend. But I turned that down I can't bring myself to accept a gift like that. Then she asked if I was going to go out for a birthday dinner and I couldn't think of anyone that would really want to come to my birthday dinner. I know it sounds kind of mean and rude to all of my friends but it's true I mean I think people would have better things to do on a Saturday night then pay for my dinner, I just don't want to intrude on other peoples lifes. And there lies the problem I would have LOVED to go up north with Tarra for the weekend or have a get together with all my friends but I don't and I won't.

Not Fair – Being Active at City

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:56:55 GMT

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with Tarra and how unfair it’s become. Tarra is just finishing college and I have the privilege of restarting college, so as she goes though all her end of college activities I look at that kind of stuff with much resentment. This next week a school group Tarra belongs to is having a banquette where they invite engineering firms from around town to have dinner with the students. At this dinner the society gives the members of the group rings and they all take a oath thing a ma bob swearing to use there mighty engineering powers for good and not evil. I feel bad because I can’t attend I have my EMT class. This Saturday her family invited me to the Parents associations’ football game, but I have to work and can’t go. I just marvel at how unfair this situation is to her, theses are the last days of her college life and I’m to busy starting college to be of any help or support. I wonder how silly this will be when I’m 25 and graduating from school and I’m with all these 21 and 22 year olds, I guess awkward would be the best way to describe it. Everyday when I wake up I sit there for about a minute and just get my anger out for the day then I quietly wish that I never had gone off to Brooks and regret that I went with my gut feeling, I knew I didn’t have the money to go, I knew the second after we took my first tour with my dad and I saw the tuition amount, and I knew that we would never take out loans to help me finish school once all the money ran out. But I pressed forward with the blessing of my parents and what did it get me? This, the privilege of ruining my college years, I sure feel lucky.

Tarra kind of inspires me from time to time, like how active she is at school. Every morning at 7:00am I look around me with this boiling hatred for everyone at city. I look at them like there filthy and I in turn feel discussed every moment I spend there, I think it’s partly the stigma attached to City College that I can’t shake. That some how I’ve failed at life, and to make it worse I’m failing in Fresno. Well I’ve decided that I’m going to try to become some what active in my schools activities, I refuse to support athletics because I have yet to see a need for it, anyone that needs structured time to play a stupid game with a ball should be sterilized for they truly are a drain on society. That and they get to register before me at school and that alone angers me. I think I’m going to join some sort of club or possibly student government. I might even try to go to city this week and not be an angry vile man, I make no promises because to be honest I hate city college, I hate Fresno, and to make it worse I hate the fact that I’ve settled for Fresno as the best I’ll ever get.

Recycling – Dinner with Tarras Family

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:24:37 GMT

Today I took a small boatload of cans to the recycling guy behind the peacock market and left with almost $50. That money will be helpful for my last little trip for a while, I’m going down to Santa Barbara to see some of my friends graduate from Brooks.

This afternoon as I was gathering up my family’s supply of recyclable metals when around 3pm or so I got a call from work, they wanted to know if I would be able to come into work tonight from 5pm till 1am. I was thrilled because that would have meant $60 extra on this next paycheck so I enthusiastically said yes. About 15 minutes later Tarra called and asked if I wanted to eat dinner with her family tonight and in a near panic I had to call work back and tell them that I wouldn’t be able to come in to work because of a commitment that I had forgotten about, luckily they let me off the hook and so the great adventure of dinner with Tarras family began. I ran out to the store to get frosting for the cake and my little sister started baking a tasty cake for me to bring to the dinner, I also picked up one of my favorite bottles of wine to bring along as well. Having dinner with Tarras Grandaunt, Mother, and older sister was really important to me. I’m really starting to look at my relationship with Tarra as something that’s going to be more long term with more and more commitment required of me, things like having dinner with her family are be coming more important to me because they represent small steps of commitment in my relationship with Tarra. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only man alive that gets excited by the idea of a long-term stable loving relationship. All feelings and symbolism aside, the dinner was fun and the tacos were quite tasty. I think not next week but the week after I should cook dinner for Tarra’s family, I can make a mean roast or some tasty ribs